Welcome to the Advice Column!!

PLEASE listen to me, this is important: DO. NOT. DYE. YOUR. HAIR. GREEN. No. No, no, no. No! Ew. Background info: Eric, you are uncool at your school (you said it, not me.) You have been single your entire life (but you also mentioned that you are in a video game club, so you can't be too surprised by that.) You have had a crush on a girl since 2nd grade, and she now dresses all goth-y and hangs out with an..shall we say, 'alternative' crowd. You say that you look like Dilton Doily from Archie comics, except with red hair (that's truly tragic. I'm sorry.) And you think that the way to impress said girl is to dye your hair green, pierce your nose, and start dressing like an emo. My advice to you is simple: NO! You can clean yourself up to look normal/good, but I really don't think you should turn yourself into a crazy-looking emo and do permanent damage just to impress a girl who A) might not even like you after all of that and B) even if she does, it will all be for a 1-4 month high school relationship that will end badly or worse and that you'll forget about and/or cringe at in the future. Plus, you'll have to deal with a REPULSIVE, odd, weird, butt-ugly, disingenuous yearbook photo. And you don't want that, because that's your memories forever. You will look weird. Don't do it! Just approach her as yourself. Clean up a little, wear some contacts, get some new clothes or shoes, and if you REALLY want to dye the hair then do it a natural color (like add more brown or something.) Please, no green.

I see what you did there with the name. Listen, what you are describing is (unfortunately) increasingly common. And I can't really help you all that much. So a little recap: you take a United States Government AP class and you decided to speak up during a debate about public healthcare. You happen to think that universal healthcare is a baaaad idea and you mentioned that. This all ended up in you being 'cancelled' by your classmates and teacher, and they actually won't talk to you normally because of it. The only people who will talk to you now are kind of crazy fanatics and not your crowd. That sucks. Honestly...everything is so divisive now and it's pretty bleak when all the hatred and cult politics makes its way into a classroom. Cancel culture sucks and the mood right now is...unpleasant. My advice? I can't solve such a big problem. But if you want to win back your classmates, I suggest baking a bunch of cookies and giving them out for free. I guarantee that if you give them some free tasty cookies, they'll warm up to you at least a little bit. And maybe don't participate in those controversial discussions next time...? I get it if you want to, but you have to decide on that based on whether you place more value on voicing your opinion or being on good terms with your classmates. Sorry I couldn't give more useful advice, but I do promise you the cookie thing will help (from experience.) And don't hang out with the iffy crowd if they give you weird vibes. That's advice you really should take.

You sound like you've got a rough deal; and some tough decisions to make. But at this point you're choosing between rock bottom and a hard place. You say you're 19, that might make you think that you can afford to make mistakes because you've got your whole life ahead of you (knock on wood.) I think it's the opposite. If you make a stupid decision now, you'll pay for it for the next 60 years. This guy, I promise you he's not worth it. No matter what you think. If he wants you to move into a trailer park, he just really really isn't. You seem smart, you have options. You can get a job and a roommate and keep seeing him without moving into hell on earth and basically sealing your fate. If he doesn't want it to go on that way, then it's his loss and that shows you HE IS NOT WORTH IT! Do you really want to be 70 years old, 70 pounds overweight, passing a plastic comb through the 70 hairs you have left in a 70 square foot flea-infested trailer?!?! I don't think so. Think about it. For at least 70 minutes. /: Please, I'm rooting for you, come to your senses. Even if it makes you miserable for a while. It's for the best!

You know, you can still be anonymous if you just post a fake nickname. But whatever. So short anwer: do NOT ask somebody out to a Chuck-E-Cheese. Ever. At least for the first time. I can't think of a worse place! The lighting makes you look like a hobbit, you're surrounded by rowdy children, it smells like cheese and misery, and the food isn't even real food. Just because somebody likes Cool Ranch Doritos doesn't mean I'm going to buy them a bag for Christmas. You have to match the occasion. It's probably past Valentine's by the time you're reading this, but your best bet is ALWAYS a nice restaurant. If she enjoys that, do it another time. The third time (if by some miracle that happens) you can go to Chuck E Cheese's (EW.) And buy her some flowers while you're at it. Don't be a cheapo, don't be a bum, don't be a weirdo, don't be a simp. Do all that and you're golden (unless she's Beyonce or something.)

First and foremost, DO NOT write your love note on a kleenex she used. In fact, I recommend you throw the kleenex away. Or just burn it to really hide the evidence. Second, I don't think a love note is the way to go in your case. You can't spell the word "school" properly, so I doubt you'll be able to woo her with your poetry. Instead, why don't you bake her something and just tell it to her face? Or buy something from Ralph's and pretend you baked it. Either way, it's better than a mucus-covered note. It would also be helpful if you sent in a picture of her, because from what I've heard so far, she'd have to be pretty janky looking for you to have a chance. You kind of seem like a stalker. Chill out, relax a little, maybe stop stealing infectuous materials. Buy her a cupcake and shoot your shot, but don't shoot any shots at ANYONE if you get rejected. You've got the creepy thing going on, so I just thought I'd warn you.

The form says 'name or nickname', not Webkinz username. I hope people don't call you that in real life. Anyway, I am happy to advise you on how to improve your appearance. I don't have a picture of you, but I think I can still help you. First off, start exercising. If you do that, it'll be easier to do the enxt step. You can just start out doing 30 minutes of cardio on a treadmill or elliptical at Planet Fitness. It's cheap membership and easy to do. You can watch a show or listen to music while doing it, and it'll burn some calories. Next, you need to eat less. That's all there is to it. No weird diets or anything. For breakfast, have a coffee (no sugar) and a protein bar. Bring your lunch from home and make some sort of sandwich on brown bread. For dinner, have some meat or fish (grilled not fried) and a serving of vegetables. No extras. You will lose weight if you do all that, guaranteed. Outside of that, go get a haircut and have them add some color. Let them decide on something if you can't think of how you want to change it. Wear makeup if you don't already and buy some cheap new clothes online (from Shein or Romwe or something, just to add some items to your wardrobe.) Smile more often and wear contacts instead of glasses. Do all of that and you'll look (and feel) a lot better.